Slowly Overriding My Own Madness
Zoe Isabella, Floridian. St. Petersburg Lusting to Wander.
Fickle Hobby photographer (a blog to make public self loathing and those whose post relate)
[Instagram: HayZIsabella]
Stream of conscious:
Carve me from stone
Make me into a wolf
Give me hunger
Take away my remorse
Strip me of my wings
Let me howl at the moon
May I find greater joy in simplicity
Because flying is too much for me
I can’t handle the temptation
I soar too close to the sun
And the wax always melts
I am always…
(via helpmetowakeup)
I’m questioning
If my entire life is a lie
Because I feel like a broken record
screeching clichés
Spitting out falsehoods.
Maybe I’m gay? I’m doubtful
I am bi. Sure? Label it.
Cause I still want a hookup regardless
“I’m just confused. It’s not you.”
I thought I wanted love.
But now I have it. And I find myself incapable
It’s literally slipping through my fingers
I have no Energy.
I predicted this
I have no patience
And most of all I have no cause.
But a breakup is rash.
And I just said I don’t believe in breaks
Think I’d fuck around to make someone jealous
Darling.. You really don’t know me
I don’t care what anyone feels.
I just feel what they feel.
I don’t know what I feel
But fucking around fills that unknown with self loathing and self justification.
So baby, don’t think you’re so high and mighty
You’re all I have.
You are have my heart and soul
But that is not my everything
Because if I’m being honest.
Heart and soul are only everything in fairytales and cliches.
Too look back on, and See how well you are Now
Manic, not eating or sleeping
Zero focus, constant jitters and anxiousness. Obsessive cleaning or organizing. Happens always around my period and I float. I have fits of extreme anxiety and overwhelmed and paranoia. That pass. But sneak up on me
2/18
Pleae please help me
There is zero zero focus
I can’t see
I can’t concentrate
Hours literally slip by
I think the clock is lying I’m so paranoid
I’m at a break
False happiness it’s not true
My mind is untrue
This isn’t anything real
Documentation
God I’m so high
Why can’t I see you??
I really am just above hell
Because the darkest blues
Rise to the grey,
A bottom pit to my peers
That’s my norm
My habitual level of serotonin
I survive on grey that’s everyone else’s rock bottom
But I elevate to milky white
I believe that’s normal happiness of a character off the street
Someone content an unfucked being
Living life in reality and charismatically
Z someone love me
That’s no alter ego
Because I’m aware
God, I’m so crazy
Delusional hallucinations
Of my alter self
I’m simply sitting in a desk chair
It rocks and rough padded blue
I drape a soft grey white blanket over it to comfort me
wow how fucking SYMBOLIC of me
Who knew my subconscious
Was so fucking clever
Dear lord, am I possessive of corrosive destiny
Self fulfilling prophecy
I want I want I love
But no my inevitability
To fall not a crash and burn
No that’s to easily nursed
But a fucking super hero flight downward with no steering to pull up
there isn’t an explosion
But a deep, tunnel straight into the earths meager crust
We live upon
It’s only 3miles until mantle
Floating bubbling lava that burst through cracks of tectonic plates
Swerving head, broken neck
Tight back and numb hands
My feet so cold
My extremities don’t have blood
It’s too thin from adrenaLIE
Because it is a LIE
False pseudo arrangement
My body likes to fuck with me
Twist my chemicals into a rocket
Rocket built off nitrous and clear chemicals that shiny blue
To create silver, to reach the planes of streaky white reflections
I am not tangible
I am not able to touch
I’m physically invisible
And UNsolid
Dis-en-memebered
Lacking association of reality
Delusional insanity
I function and chat with strangers
Bubbling charisma and over bearing perkiness
Can’t anyone see me!
Hello I’m banging on the glass
My knuckles bloody!!!
Psychosis, I wake for Memosis
That alcohol which soothe my soul
Shandy and champagne
Haha that’s breakfast and snack
God dammit
Won’t you love me
I’m a daughter and need guidance
I need faith..
But I’ve lost it.
I’m sure it’s swirling in my darkest blues
Holy shit I’m high
I’m coming down to climax
Dear lord help me hold on tight
I won’t be able to steer
“You cannot be seen BY God, unless you are Willing to see God.”
I’m chilled to the bone as I shake
I can’t feel a thing except my face
Flushed with red and heat
My middle firey in my stomach
Extremities lost in the midst of madness
Slowly overriding my hereditary madness
I score high on all levels of mood disorders
Generalized anxiety, depression
Fucking bi-polar manic depressive
Stemmed from disassociate personality disorder that no longer “exists” by name in the DMV-IV
Maybe? Knowledge
Full of it
Full of shit
Love me because I ain’t sane
Delusional, hallucinating mass of invisible white
Love me because I’m aware
And comfort me because I shake
Comfort me because I need a brace
A simple stone to weigh me down
Only for a moment
A passing time
Fleeting second to reveal REALITY below
Who can that be?
Name rhyming with B. -?
Extortion loves me
Won’t anybody be me?
Just for a day, to understand
Such inconceivable insanity
So God.. Please love me
No one supposedly else can know
And you most certainly supposedly do
And love unconditionally
Something inhuman and unearthly
Unconditional unconditional
I’m high high high
Flying in silvery whites
Humble Contradiction I Am
God I’m so high
Why can’t I see you??
I really am just above hell
Because the darkest blues
Rise to the grey,
A bottom pit to my peers
That’s my norm
My habitual level of serotonin
I survive on grey that’s everyone else’s rock bottom
But I elevate to milky white
I believe that’s normal happiness of a character off the street
Someone content an unfucked being
Living life in reality and charismatically
Z someone love me
That’s no alter ego
Because I’m aware
God, I’m so crazy
Delusional hallucinations
Of my alter self
I’m simply sitting in a desk chair
It rocks and rough padded blue
I drape a soft grey white blanket over it to comfort me
wow how fucking SYMBOLIC of me
Who knew my subconscious
Was so fucking clever
Dear lord, am I possessive of corrosive destiny
Self fulfilling prophecy
I want I want I love
But no my inevitability
To fall not a crash and burn
No that’s to easily nursed
But a fucking super hero flight downward with no steering to pull up
there isn’t an explosion
But a deep, tunnel straight into the earths meager crust
We live upon
It’s only miles until mantle
Floating bubbling lava that burst through cracks of tectonic plates
Swerving head, broken neck
Tight back and numb hands
My feet so cold
My extremities don’t have blood
It’s too thin from adrenaLIE
Because it is a LIE
False pseudo arrangement
My body likes to fuck with me
Twist my chemicals into a rocket
Rocket built off clear burning chemicals that are shiny blue
To create silver, to reach the planes of streaky white reflections
I am not tangible
I am not able to touch
I’m physically invisible
And UNsolid
Dis-en-memebered
Lacking association of reality
Delusional insanity
I function and chat with strangers
Bubbling charisma and over bearing perkiness
Can’t anyone see me!
Hello I’m banging on the glass
My knuckles bloody!!!
Psychosis, I wake for Memosis
That alcohol which soothe my soul
Shandy and champagne
Haha that’s breakfast and snack
God dammit
Won’t you love me
I’m a daughter and need guidance
I need faith..
But I’ve lost it.
I’m sure it’s swirling in my darkest blues
Holy shit I’m high
I’m coming down, only to climax manic
Dear lord help me hold on tight
I won’t be able to steer
“You cannot be seen BY God, unless you are Willing to see God.”
I’m chilled to the bone as I shake
I can’t feel a thing except my face
Flushed with red and heat
My middle firey in my stomach
Extremities lost in the midst of madness
Slowly overriding my hereditary madness
I score high on all levels of mood disorders
Generalized anxiety, depression
Fucking bi-polar manic depressive
Stemmed from disassociate personality disorder that no longer “exists” by name in the DMV-IV
Maybe? Knowledge
Full of it
Full of shit
Love me because I ain’t sane
Delusional, hallucinating mass of invisible white
Love me because I’m aware
And comfort me because I shake
Comfort me because I need a brace
A simple stone to weigh me down
Only for a moment
A passing time
Fleeting second to reveal REALITY below
Who can that be?
Extortion loves me
Won’t anybody be me?
Just for a day, to understand
Such inconceivable insanity
So God.. Please love me
No one supposedly else can know
And you most certainly supposedly do
And love unconditionally
Something inhuman and unearthly
Unconditional unconditional
I’m high high high
Flying in silvery whites
Not the silver lining I had in mind
The more abstract one dreams, the more average they are in reality. My dreams are realistic and life size, look how crazy I’ve always been. Who wants to be “normal?” I know my dreams make sense.
Real dreams mean mad reality
The more abstract one dreams, the more average they are in reality. My dreams are realistic and life size, look how crazy I’ve always been. Who wants to be “normal?” I know my dreams make sense.
Mania: manic depressive: now
I feel super artsy though like the worlds a kaleidoscope
The world is my kaleidoscope
My mind is my kaleidoscope
Just a crack in my mind:hanging on the wall
Madness fills my being
Seduced by insanity
Slowly losing my mind
Slowly overriding my own madness
Succumbing to mania
Lost in mania
Paranoia mania
Dis-loved for mania
I love mania
I love being in my absolute worst fear
Because the fear fuels mania
And burns all my bridges
Explosive
Shattered biology
Physiologically broken
For the rest of my life